Tuesday, October 16, 2012


First if you follow this blog regularly thank you for doing so and continuing to do so. If not thank you for visiting. I realize my busy state has gone on for months and I've been posting nothing. Partly I became disillusioned with my writing career since it has seen little to no success, second I've been drowning myself in the election lately, and politics has been my primary focus. Finally, my "real job" has also taken time away I've recently taken on a position with more responsibility and it has also taken more of my time, not to mention energy. Nonetheless I have not given up on writing, and i hope you have not given up on me.

I have also started a new project. I am still working on Epic War, though i cant say when it will come out. Between having too reset my computer without backing up my files due to spyware and viruses, and a terrible case of writer's block, it has been a difficult undertaking. Nonetheless some of us writer have weak attention spans and so will engage in multiple projects as once to combat the anxiety and boredom that often accompay the task. I have decided in addition to my  fiction to once again make another attempt at writing an autobiography. It's just a story about my life, who i am, and how I have become that way. I will make the prologue available below gratis'

Prologue-I Am a Paradox

To describe myself in one or even a few short words would be an impossible task and a ridiculous one no less. To even make the attempt would be a waste. I have indeed deemed it necessary instead to do so in a book. The individual is essentially the sum of his or her experiences and choices. Sure there are traits we’ve inherited: personalities, physical features, and so on. It is equally true that much of who we are is learned or acquired from others, either our parents or our peers. Yet there are always exceptions to the rules. There are kids in small towns and good families who go bad. Then there are young men and women who despite years of abuse and irresponsible indoctrination, choose to follow a new path and do what’s right. I am not a fatalist, nor do I believe we are the sole masters of our fate. It is true that the choices of others can have an impact on us, and that we can choose to be and to do as we please despite them. I think it is then safe to say that our experiences define us, and so do our choices. To try and blame society and culture, education and upbringing or to credit one of the above is simply complicating the situation. There then we will have the temptation to engage in a fruitless battle of semantics.

   What about me then? What about my choices and my experiences? There are truly too many to even put into one book. I have also found that the greatest challenge in writing an autobiography is that it keeps getting longer. Before I’ve reached the end I once again find myself at the beginning. Herein then I can only make the attempt to define myself based on the major experiences and choices. I can include only those that have made the greatest impact on myself, and those details of who I am and what I’ve done. Who I am now, however, will not be the focus, but who I was and who I have become. More importantly I will take you on the journey through those choices and events that brought me here today.

   If I had to describe myself in a paragraph or two I would say many things briefly. I am emotionally unstable. I am confused. I am unique and creative. I am passionate. I would not currently describe myself as successful but only time will tell. Most of all however, I would say that I, like many people, am a paradox.

   I have loved and hated with equal passion. I have experienced many tremendous failures, with many small successes. I have at many times felt a joyous ecstasy and vigor for life. I have gone through frequent spells of depression, and reached the point of utter despair on many occasions. I both love myself and hate myself.  I am faithless and cynical and I am idealistic and deeply spiritual. I am a true believer and a true skeptic. I am color blind and I love diversity. Already you can see just a few of the many paradoxes. I have delved deeply into the question of who I am but I have not even reached the tip of the iceberg.

   Perhaps the greatest paradox here is that I seem adamant about telling you who and what I am, but that is not my goal. This book is more of a personal journey. I have many hurts and many hang-ups. I have struggled to forgive many people, and have still not even begun to forgive myself. I am loving and even love someone now as I type, yet I am incapable of true love. I prefer to wall myself in to avoid the many hurts pain that life has given me along the way.

   I often ask myself why can’t I love. Why can’t I be a good friend? Why can’t I be at peace with myself and the world around me? Why do I have no dreams and no aspirations? Why can’t I make a solid decision and stick with it? Why can’t I pursue my dreams? I love writing, it is a deep part of who I am. Yet I am forcing myself to sit at this desk and type these words. It is a painful experience and an ironic one. I am painfully forcing myself to do something I love. I have all the symptoms of clinical depression, some of the symptoms of ADD and anxiety. I even exhibit some of the traits of one with what’s called Borderline Personality Disorder, though much of that part of me has died, the insecurity and feelings of inadequacy are still there, creeping around my subconscious as I try to repress them from my waking world. Why, I still wonder, have I pushed away the people I love the most, and continue to attract the ones that I despise?

   In the endless rant, however, I have not asked the question. The goal is to explore my past and relive the memories, both painful and precious. Perhaps by finally experiencing the past again I can overcome it and endure the present while seizing the future that lies ahead. The question I ask as I continue to fail both professionally and personally is, why? More importantly, How Did I Get This Way?  

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